epic failure and I’m really sorry Nester

October was epic fail month for the possession fasting thing.  After a good two months of intentional and focused mutiny against excess, I fell on my face this go round.

First, there was Catalyst where I got kicked in the teeth by Christine Caine, Craig Groeschel and Francis Chan and a host of other great speakers.  Then I came home exhausted and reeling from their messages and my two jobs.  Nothing was given away.  I was thinking about it.  Does that count?

I thought not.

Fast forward to a week of work on the Plains (such a glorious place) that was personally difficult as well as confirming.  Obviously, if I am not home, nothing got purged or given away.  Goodness.  12 to 13 hour days led into the next day which included shoulder surgery and well, all of it went to a hen and the hen basket (is that even a phrase?) quickly without the use of the stinkin’ shoulder.

Can I just tell you how cranky I was about the surgery?  I tried to change it twice but there was no having that.  Man was about to travel for three weeks and if I pushed it to the week of Thanksgiving it would butt up against my trip to Haiti with Long Hollow and the Heims.  Ummmm nope.  So Man won and I had the blasted surgery.

So epic fail this month, but I’ve resolved to let it spill over into the month of fasting from Media… which is already kicking my proverbial tail.  The closet purging and giving intentionally took me two weeks to finish and well we have a whole house to go through.  I enlisted the GoGe to come over and help me.  I even had to motivate her to help me after lingering over coffee and magazines and iPads (don’t worry I was either reading email or reading a ebook on my Nook app).  No media.  She even looked at me and said, “Can’t we just turn on the TV?”  Funny, Mom, funny.

The more I purge and clean out closets and drawers and rooms the more I just want to vomit.  I am so sick of myself and the lack of intention.  The years and resources wasted, the stench of my own selfishness.  The excess that I have passed down to my children and others around me… It’s a load of crap.  And it’s stopping.

Jen Hatmaker says this in 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess

So for now I’ll continue to reduce and simplify, fight and engage until I know what else to do.  What I know now is this: less.  I don’t need to have the most, be the best, or reach the top.  It is okay to pursue a life marked by obscurity and simplicity. It doesn’t matter what I own or how I’m perceived.  Whether I succeed in the market or land hopelessly in the middle is irrelevant, although this used to keep me up at night.

I’m just beginning to embrace the liberation that only exists at the bottom, where I have nothing to defend, nothing to protect. Where it doesn’t matter if I’m right or esteemed or positioned well.  I wonder if that’s the freedom Jesus meant when He said, “”Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”” (Matt. 5:3).  In order for Jesus’ kingdom to come, my kingdom will have to go, and for the first time I think I’m okay with that.”

That’s it.  I’m beginning to be okay with that.  So sorry Nester and the 31 day thousands of sweeties.  This girl was an epic failure this go round and I’m okay with that cause He’s making me take 60 days.. not 31.

I’ll leave you with this that my sweet friend Tami Heim shared with me before getting on a plane to Haiti yesterday:

 

The quote from William Wilberforce should be hanging from my forehead cause it’s what God is doing in my life in a mighty way:

‘Having seen all this you can choose to look the other way, but you can never say again ‘I did not know”.

I’m not looking the other way anymore.  I do know.  And He is breaking my heart for what breaks His.  And I’m grateful, speechless and broken.

I’ll post something tomorrow with before and after photos.  Don’t get too excited. It looks like we are moving and we are surely not.

Be well friends.

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